Why do I always try so hard to be more likeable to others?
Do you often ask yourself why you need people to accept you, why you are so afraid of rejection to begin with and – most importantly – how you can stop caring so much and start to feel confident socially?
Having experienced this in my teens and early twenties, what finally drove me to try and fix this was my desire to no longer feel separated.
I didn’t want to feel different to others any more, and in order for me to do that I needed to figure out why I felt this way to begin with, especially considering I thought I was more of an introvert.
But what I didn’t know was that previous experiences had shaped my personality to be that way, when that wasn’t who I truly was.
Introversion is when the psyche withdraws internally to protect itself from painful experiences. But humans are an inherently social species – introversion is not a part of our true nature. I previously thought I was just an introverted person, but I discovered I was very wrong.
Would you like to discover how to be self accepting and confident in your own skin and in yourself, be independent to what others think of you, and attract people who are a match to you?
It’s possible to free yourself from this negativity, fear of rejection and anxiousness to be more likeable. But first, you need to understand what causes these fears in the first place.
Do you want to learn more, find out exactly how I regained my confidence, and rediscover this for yourself? Keep reading.
Your Previous Experiences Shape Your Present Perception
I learnt and discovered that our previous memories and experiences, whether it be it be at home or in early school years, shape our perception of ourself.
If we are rejected by our family and friends in childhood, we become susceptible to believing there is something wrong or different about us, and that nobody can like us.
After this experience as adults we strive to not be ourselves, but try hard to be more likeable to others so we can avoid feeling the way we felt in the past – so we can avoid feeling rejected again.
This personality characteristic entered into your life after upsetting experiences, that made you take on beliefs about yourself that are not true.
Children in the school playground not liking us shouldn’t have the authority to decide if there’s something wrong with us. And, almost all of the time, it’s actually about them – not you.
The Unconscious Beliefs That Make You Want To Be More Likeable
Children by nature have been programmed to choose friends and peers that will increase their social status. Therefore, if you look like you will not increase their social status or popularity, they will reject you to save the pain of them befriending someone who to others too may not like, out of fear they will get rejected themselves.
So the question is not, why am I different – it’s understanding that this is an unconscious strategy that they use to fit in themselves. It definitely has no reflection on you, or your character or is any indication that there is something wrong with you.
Here’s the secret – the only reason that you are afraid of rejection, is that you are afraid what it happening might mean about you.
For example you’re afraid that if people do not like you it means you’re not likeable, you won’t fit in, you’re destined to be alone, you’re different and unworthy of connection – then of course you will be petrified of it. So when something actually rejects you, the beliefs will trigger that same associated meaning.
But what would happen if those beliefs were no longer where inside of you? Well it would mean you would now become indifferent to reaction and approval of others to define 1. who you are, 2. if you are okay and 3. if it means you’re a good person.
What makes us a good person is not by who likes us and doesn’t, it comes from the qualities we posses inside each of us. and if those negative associations were not there you would no longer, associate rejection as something meant or a reflection of your status as a human being.
So if you’re looking to deal with rejection, you are looking to deal with the pain that these beliefs cause in you. I must admit, whilst they are there it’s hard. But there is an easier way.
It took me years to figure this out, but you can actually remove the negative beliefs associated with rejection so you can feel free to be yourself.
The Need to Be More Likeable Just Makes You Needy
As well as old memories of rejection, another experience that creates the need to be liked is growing up in uncertain environments.
If you constantly had to stay on the right side of a parent who was always angry and could possibly do something to hurt you if you were not good, well behaved and the epitome of what your parents likes in a well behaved child – this will also drive you to be what you think others will like in you, and start disowning parts you think won’t be liked.
For example, if you were always told talking back is rude and disrespectful well, you want to be liked because you need your parents to survive. So, in order to be more likeable, you will suppress your own say and opinions to be liked, and to survive – at the expense of your own self.
The problem with the need to be more likeable is, although you are doing what you think others like, people can sense neediness in others. It actually ends up accomplishing the opposite of what your mind is telling you it’s doing for you.
At the highest level, the need to be liked is trying to get you love, connection and safety, but because others can sense you’re trying too hard, it actually does the opposite of attraction.
If anything, it encourages others to take you for granted. They can sense you need them to like you, so you attract people who take yourniceness for granted.
People are attracted to self assured, whole individuals – not people who will do anything in order to be liked.
Do You Believe You Need to Be More Likeable to Others? Try This Short Exercise
Did you know the need to be liked is causing you to lose your charisma, natural attractiveness and others’ interest without you even knowing why?
Why do you have this need living inside of you? How is it benefitting you? You believe the following:
This need helps me to be more liked… helps me to feel more confident that others like me.
I believe that this thing will make me feel like a good, moral person.
I believe it will protect me from ending up alone.
If this is what you believe, this short exercise will begin to unlock the lies stuck in your unconsciousness.
Read the following to yourself:
The need to be more likeable motivates me to try and get others to like me, so that I can feel safe and secure, confident in myself, high self-worth, carefree, spontaneous, able to freely express myself, in control of myself, calm, in control of my mind, indifferent to the opinions of others, like a good, mature person who is able to be myself.
The need to be liked makes me feel: safe and secure, confident, whole, in control of myself, carefree, like I’m a good person, free, fully expressed, able to be myself, indifferent to the thoughts and opinions of others, at peace with myself, free and emotionally independent.
If you were to follow the logic of this need and really notice how it makes you feel, if we’re being honest, the need to be liked actually makes you feel:
Unsafe, insecure, needy, desperate, like you have no solid sense of self, out of control, shameful, embarrassed of yourself, angry, anxious, grumpy, frustrated, panicked, dependent, stuck in your head, confused, no discernment, you make bad choices, you feel blocked, isolated, distanced, mental confusion, boring, like there’s something wrong with you, limited, sad, and just like ‘what’s the point?’
So why is this desire to be more likeable to others inside you if it isn’t helping you?
Remove the Need to Be More Likeable From Your Life
Over a decade ago it was discovered that unconscious memories are alive and static things. Old memories such as rejection, humiliation, bullying etc. unconsciously prepare individuals through a strategy, which is to get others to like them in order to render themselves safe from re-experiencing the unconscious pain again.
The only problem is that whilst this need is inside of you, your ability to attract the opposite of how you feel is almost impossible. This is because every time these memories are triggered within you, you are unconsciously trying to compensate by protecting yourself from the old hurt.
Therefore as opposed to being confident, carefree, spontaneous and at peace, every time you are around others, you are constantly being triggered on an unconscious level for this emotional landmine stored inside of you.
As a result; you get hijacked by this thing every time you are in the presence of others. Doesn’t this sound exhausting?
Through The Mind Resonance Programming approach, it has been discovered that you can systematically restore yourself back to a naturally confident, charismatic, carefree individual with a natural ability to engage in spontaneous, authentic conversations.
If you would like to find out more about this process, contact me via the link below to request a complimentary introductory phone/Skype session.
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Felicity Muscat is the Founder of The Institute of Self Mastery which was created to help others fulfill the truest, highest, and most authentic expression of themselves in all areas of life.
If you have tried other approaches that have failed and are ready for change, request a complimentary introductory phone/Skype coaching consultation to help you get started on your journey back to your peak performing empowered and alive self today. To learn more and explore others’ success stories, download Felicity’s eBooks.
Felicity Muscat, former psychologist is now an international self-esteem, self-empowerment, and self-mastery life coach. Felicity is also a relationship and success coach, author of three best-selling books and Level 3 mind resonance coach.